Monday, June 25, 2012

Really long apologies.

I've been having this nagging feeling looming like a dark cloud over my need to blog,  you need to blog.

This blog started out as a place where I could write whatever my heart felt like sharing.  Then as I became lost in my school work and my house started to become neglected, my blog turned into a scrapbook where I would put little snap shots of what was going on around here- maybe with a paragraph or two of written word.

And then as school became my LIFE and the house and family became even more neglected, I just couldn't justify blogging at all.  I would only take a minute every now and then- quickly posting a picture with a short entry.

But then came the blessed relief of Summer Break.

"Now," i thought, "now I can really blog.  I can get caught up on all that has happened and I can justify putting blogging back on my daily to-do list."

But I have been out of school for several weeks- and not one entry has been made.  The nagging feeling has not diminished, perhaps even, it has intensified.  So why haven't I blogged?

This afternoon, as I was folding laundry, I suddenly felt the urge to write.  Then I thought about all the pictures that needed to be transferred to my computer so that I could document the comings and goings of our family, and that nagging feeling returned with a vengeance.  I realized then that my blog had become more of a burden than an escape.  And that is never what I intended it to be.

So while my children have in no way stopped being adorable and amazing and while I have much to share about what has gone on around this little part of the world that we occupy, today I just want to write.

I have a thousand little thoughts going through my mind, begging to be the one that gets to finally be let out and acknowledged.  Even as I type, I have no idea which one will conquer the others.

Perhaps I will share today about the need that I feel to savor each moment of every day.

I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am on Summer Break, and the fact that Nicole's days here under our roof are numbered (and that number is growing ever so small).

Before I began the journey of my College Education, I would listen to women talk about exciting and fulfilling things they were doing in their lives.  I would be in awe and wonder how they did it all?  How did they manage to raise a family, keep up their homes, cook hot meals for their family every day, and still work full time? 

I somehow felt less than these women.  I was just a mother.  I had no college degree and just a few jobs on my resume that I felt were nothing impressive and definitely not anything that I would ever want to revisit should the need arise for me to find a job again.

These thoughts along with the nagging feeling that I had had one too many times to get a college education, motivated me to look into getting a nursing degree.

I am in no way saying that I regret the decision I made all those years ago to go back to school.  But it has been such an interesting journey.  One that has not only been educational in the way that it was meant to be- but I have learned so much about myself and my purpose in life.

And now that I am in the nursing program and it has taken over my life completely, what I crave more than anything is to be just a mom once again.  The mom who did laundry and grocery shopped weekly.  The one who made the beds and cleaned the bathrooms daily.  The one who was able to run the forgotten assignment to school for her child, volunteer in the little one's classroom, and serve in church.

I did not realize at the time, how lucky I was to be able to do those things.  To have my days filled with things that I thought were mundane tasks day in and day out.

Summer Break has been so good for me.  It has given me time to reconnect with my children, my husband and with my role as a wife, mother and homemaker.  All things I cherish so much more than I ever realized.

While I know that these things are so important, I also realize how lucky I am to be able to attend college and fulfill my dream of becoming a nurse.  It has been so much harder than I ever imagined it would be- but I have learned so many important things about myself along the way that I would never trade this experience for any other.

I will be back in school sometime around the middle of August.  And this is when life will change around here forever.  Nicole will leave for college and most likely will never live full time under our roof again- something that I still haven't come to grips with.  I too will find myself back in the deep abyss of nursing school- once again trying to balance all that is required of me- and most likely not doing a very good job of it.
But for now, I savor each minute of each day.  I savor the time to read a book, to visit with a friend or chat on the telephone.  I love the moments of sitting in the shade and visiting with my family.  Even grocery shopping and cleaning the house seem a little more enjoyable.

Life is good.  It is full of hard, happy, and breathtaking moments.  And today, I am thankful that in this moment, I have taken the time to write. 

It is good for my soul, and maybe now that little voice will quiet down and take a break from it's endless harassment.  I do believe it will.

*Speaking of breathtaking moments, this weekend I discovered how much I LOVE the architecture in downtown SLC!


  1. I am not nearly as busy as you but I could relate to this post in so many ways. Thanks for writing that nagging feeling may be that someone else needed to read this post and it's possible that someone was me. Thanks my friend.

  2. I needed this post from you. It helped put my role as mother in perspective and how important it is, even if that includes cleaning toilets & sweeping up crumbs everyday.
    You are a talented writer! I am so proud of you for going through school, although it is tough, it is worth it. Good example for the kids too (study along with them ;) And good moms always go through the guilt trip. And you are an amazing mom!

  3. Thanks for this post - I totally needed a few of those reminders today! You have always been inspiring to me, with or without a college education!

  4. Thank you ladies for your sweet comments. You have no idea how much they mean to me! I admire each of you more than you know! You are amazing mothers!